If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
