sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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