thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize