i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Randomize
