he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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