I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
