What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
