Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize