When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
