i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
