I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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