grandma shit on top of the toilet
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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