He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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