just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
