why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
