Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
