oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I can't turn off my feet"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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