3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
