got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
