The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
