So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
