i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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