Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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