we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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