Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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