Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
