let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
