i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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