I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
