and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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