I haven't been this sober since birth.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
