my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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