You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
