Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
please don't ironically join a cult
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