She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
