I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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