I'm so fucking centered right now
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
