I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
