my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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