Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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