Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
