I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
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