Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
