i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
there is puke in my bra ... again
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
