I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
