he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize