She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
My hand turned me down
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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