probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Vodka?
Forever.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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