There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
where are you?
Hypothermia
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
