I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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