You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize