Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Please, let me fuck your mom
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
