it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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