my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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