On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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