i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
